Just wanted to point out that I love my friend Kayla Slimp, even if she compels me to post on a blog I haven't updated in over a year...

What Do I Know of Holy?

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

~*~

I'm discovering I don't really know what it means to fear the Lord.

How do I let go of this world and all its logic, how do I stand in the confidence of my Savior, knowing beyond doubt that He will catch me when I fall? He's bigger than my understanding. His weakness, His foolishness, is stronger than my strength and wisdom. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. How can I cling to my little ambitions when I know His plans are good and perfect?!

No, I will delight myself in the Lord. He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" Eph 3:20
Amen!

Love Letter

This is a journal entry from the summer that I really felt like I needed to type up, to be reminded of the Lord's goodness, faithfulness, and love.

July 10, 2009

You are faithful. No matter what's going on in my life, whether I feel like it or not, You are there to comfort me and uphold me with Your righteous right hand. I've seen it again and again. You've been faithful in SO many ways; You are surely just as faithful now. And You are so strong. Stronger than anything I'll ever come up against and fighting on my behalf as you teach me to stand. You never change, never give up, never falter, never change Your mind. You're always good, always loving, always pure, always wise. Your ways are so much higher than my ways. I can't even begin to comprehend how different Your thoughts are from my own. Your plan is not just better than mine; it's perfect. And it's always for my good and the good of those who love You. And You love us! You love me. Because of that love, that overwhelming, exuberant, unquenchable, love, You've taught us how to love You back. And even though I'm not very good at it - I walk in disobedience and anger and turn my back on You on a regular basis - You never walk away, but remain steady, reaching out in love, ready to surround me in Your perfect peace.
That's another thing. What would life be without You? Lord, You fill my life with joy that transcends circumstance, with hope that keeps me going, with peace that surpasses all understanding. Everything good in life comes from You. Everything. Friendships, victory, excitement, watermelon... You are the definition of good. You are everything I could ever hope for or dream of, and I long for You. My life is nothing without Your hand to hold, Your smile to seek, Your words to hang onto. So easily I forget that and get frustrated at You, but I couldn't stop loving You if I tried. You love me too much for that. You are the only good, the only life or purpose or truth. O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer, You are everything.

I put a song in your heart and a dance in your step. I've given you that smile on your face, and that musical laughter. You are My beloved. Do you not know that I dance over you with all My heart? All of heaven rejoices over you! How can you think you aren't good enough when you've seen My goodness, and My Spirit lives inside of you? Trust in Me, beloved. Believe what I tell you, and run after Me. I know the plans I have for you, and they are good, and you can't mess them up. So seek Me. You will find Me. I long to draw near to you. Ask Me for wisdom and you shall have it. I know you are confused about the gifts I have given you, but I assure you I know what I'm doing. I do nothing without reason. Trust Me. Though you don't know what trust looks like, trust Me. I know all you need. Let Me be your strength. Let Me.

But Lord, how can I believe You when I don't believe I can really listen to what You have to say? When I don't really think I can ever be good enough to be at that place with You? When I let myself believe those lies, though I know they are lies, and run away instead of fight?

DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT I KNIT YOU TOGETHER IN YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB? Kelsey, I know who you are. You are mine. I MADE you. I don't have any illusions about who you are and who I created you to be, who I know you can be and who I am leading you into. That's why I want you to trust Me. These struggles are for your growth. Even though they hurt, you're going to come out of them stronger and more in love with Me. I'm teaching you to have a greater understanding of My love for you. Nothing worth learning is ever easy. Remember how frustrated you would get with physics? You thought you would never understand some of it, but you did, didn't you? Now I know you love Me far more than any physics problem. I know you won't give up. Follow Me. Trust Me. You do make Me smile when you persevere. Believe it! You're not a failure. I love your faith that I will always provide. I love your willingness to endure when you don't know why. I love the joy you cling to, My joy, in the midst of sorrow. My love is written all over your life. Don't ever forget it. And don't ever think I'm going to stop there.

Psalm 37

"Delight yourself in the Lord,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord,
Trust also in Him,
And He shall bring it to pass." ~Psalm 37:4-5

Lord, this is my prayer. I want to delight myself in You. I want to commit my way to You, to trust in You with all my heart. I want Your ways to be the first and last thing on my mind. I want all I do to effuse the sweet aroma of Christ.
I want the desires of my heart to be the same as the desires of Yours. I want those to be the ones You grant.
I want Hannah's daises to die. I want mine to die, too. I want to be ready in season and out of season. I want to constantly give a reason for the hope that I have. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to soak You in, to have You pour into me, to pour it all out. I want open doors. I want wise words. I want spirit-filled opportunities.
I want healed and blossoming relationships. I want my mouth to speak cleanliness and purity. I want disbelief and frustration out of my heart. I want to know the line between being in the world and being of it. I want to be an example. I want to be a light. I want to be a broken human being that can do nothing without You. I want to live like the redeemed saint You have made me, not just a forgiven sinner.
I want the joy and power of Your salvation.
I want so many things, so many miracles, big and small, so many healings in my sinful heart. But most of all, oh Lord my God, I want You. Set my eyes upon You, oh Lord, and direct my path, for Your glory is all I can wish for.

Can I tell you a story?

Testimonies hold such incredible power. So many think they are quiet, simple tales of a moment or a prayer that happened long, long ago, but they are not. A testimony is a bold account of all the Lord has captured and transformed and restored and moved in you, from the first moment you met Him to this very minute. Every one of my brothers and sisters have one. And they are as beautiful and unique and complex as the patterns on your fingers.

I recently got the chance to listen as a friend figured out her testimony for the first time. And let me tell you... hearing what God has done in the minds and hearts of His chosen ones brings incredible hope and encouragement for both listener and speaker alike.

"Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." ~ Psalm 34:8

So here is a small part of mine:
He found me first. As a child I stood surrounded in His peace without even knowing who He was. Even after I learned, it took a long time before I began to really walk in that knowledge.
In junior high and into high school my life became consumed by a lie that ate up my entire being. It crippled and paralyzed me spiritually, emotionally, relationally. In some ways this was what I wanted -- an excuse to feel inadequate for all that God has for us. So even while I saw that the Lord lived and moved in me, I huddled in the illusion that I was handicapped and weak.
But my God had something better. He revealed to me the blessing of Christ-centered relationships, which ended forever my self-inflicted alienation. He tore apart the lies that had taken hold of me, replacing them with His truth and His strength. He brought me two beautiful girls who even now never fail to encourage me with their lives, and together we learned to pursue Christ with all we are, growing together in the assurance of His love, and making it our mission to "consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Hebrews 10:24). And from them I met even more friends with whom I could pour out my heart and fill theirs with encouragement. He made my church and my high school a place of worship and safety.
When I got to college I found myself in a battlefield that incites me to pursue Him more intently each day. He equips me with an incomprehensible love for people that can only come from Him. He has filled my life with teachers of every sort, showing in their own way what it means to run with perseverance the race set before us. And I am learning how to listen and follow His voice despite my own lack of strength. I am learning to recognize and use the gifts the Lord has given me to glorify Him and encourage the Body.
The Lord moves so much so quickly -- sometimes it seems impossible to keep up! Amen. Hallelujah!

A Mere Word of Encouragement

Today at dinner a new friend of mine was telling me about his evangelism ministry. It's different than anything I have ever heard.

He sits in some public place on campus, be it academic plaza or the MSC or wherever, while he's praying and hearing from the Lord. Then he writes notes and sticks them into people's backpacks, or occasionally just walks up to people and says "I think you need to read this". That amazes me. It's astounding how God can use us to tell people exactly what they need to hear, when they need to hear it -- even if they're perfect strangers.

God's been exposing me to the idea of prophecy this semester. I've never been around it before, but I've met so many people this semester that are so full of the Spirit, such things simply pour out of them. This is a gift I never really understood, (and probably never will). It's so completely alienated from pride that it can't work if you're not in an attitude of submission and humility -- and there's no way anybody can take credit for God's words in our mouths. I love the encouragement that happens there. Seeing people's lives touched and changed by the realization that God is actively seeking a role in their troubles and joys is my absolute favorite thing in the world.

The trouble is, I don't know how to seek Him in that. I want so badly to have that kind of faith, that ability to listen to Him so intently, that boldness to carry out His instructions without hesitation. It's overwhelming at times, seeing such power around me. I love the people God has placed in my life, but good golly gosh! it seems so difficult. Following Christ is the simplest thing in the world -- it seems to strange that it should also be one of the hardest.

Lord, show me how to run after You with all that I am. Tune my ears to Your precious voice, and use me to build and multiply Your kingdom. I want to honor You with my lips, my actions, and my heart. I want to be an encouragement to my brothers and sisters, because that is what the Body is for. I feel so inadequate all the time. My silly human self is good for nothing, yet You still use me anyway. I know you build others up and convict them through me. I am asking that you teach me to be available for your miracles as well. Make me a vessel; prepare me to do Your will.

"For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life. And who is equal to such a task? Unlike so many, we do not peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, like men sent from God." ~ 2 Corinthians 2:15-17

So this is Ebenezer

For my senior solo in choir, I sang Come Thou Fount. It's an amazing song that will always hold a lot of significance to me, but I did not until recently understand the meaning of the verse: "Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by Thy great help I've come..."

1 Samuel 7 describes how the Israelites turn from foreign gods to serve the Lord, and plead with Him to deliver them from the Philistines. Guess what? God then moves in a mighty way to answer their prayers and turn His hand against the Philistines to defeat them.

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer [means stone of help], saying, 'Thus far has the LORD helped us.' So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again." ~vv. 12-13

So lately I have really felt called to raise an Ebenezer of my own. This means very purposefully chronicling the things God has done and is doing in my life, no matter how small. I want to look back and say with clarity "God has been faithful in SO many things; why would He not do so now?" I want to be able to explain with passion why I believe what I do, and why Jesus Christ is worth everything.

So this is my testimony. I don't know how much will be written here, but the story I have to tell does little good locked away in a book. God gave me this life to laugh and encourage and convict. And the journey never ends, until I'm dancing in His presence forever. :D